The Style Invitational Week 978: Am iamb Putting it in re-verse
By Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, June 28, 6:00 PM
To Washington and Its Nationals
First in war and first in peace, it’s
said —
Worst in baseball? That trope now is
dead.
A couple of weeks ago when I
was judging the close to 1,000 limericks submitted for Week 974 (some featured
on this page, more online), I found myself talking all the time in the
Hickory-Dickory-Dock rhythm that forms the bulk of a limerick — “I’d LIKE a
McCHICKen with FRIES;/ See, I’m LOOKing to FATten my THIGHS . . .”
(This is why the Empress tends to dine alone.) Anyway, I need to get a
different rhythmic earworm, so we’re switching to duple meter this month.
Here’s a form called “framed couplets,” introduced to me by light-verse writer
Madeleine Begun Kane and coined by poet Hector Gutierrez: Write a short verse
about something that’s been in the news recently, as in the example above by
Versifier-on-Retainer Gene Weingarten. You may add a title.
1. The poem must be
either a couplet (two rhyming lines, “AA”) or two couplets (“AA/BB”).
2. Each line starts
with an accented syllable and runs for nine syllables in an iambic meter:
BA-da-BA-da-BA-da-BA-da-BA.
3. The FIRST
syllables of each couplet also rhyme with each other.
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins the novel “Doctor
Proctor’s Fart Powder: Bubble in the Bathtub,” donated by 11-year-old Loser
scion Saralinda Contompasis, who found it entirely too juvenile and clearly
better suited to her father’s crowd.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after
Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir
Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to
202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 9; results published July 29 (online
July 207. No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 978” in
your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real
name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for this week’s honorable mentions
is by Kevin Dopart; the alternative headline in the “Next Week” line is by Tom
Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at
on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 974, in which we asked for limericks about a play, book, movie or TV show:
We had so many fine entries that we might also run more of them later this
summer.
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Why does Greece’s
Odysseus roam
For so long while
Penelope’s home?
It could be he
won’t ask
For directions — a
task
That’s too tough
for his Y-chromosome. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
2. Winner of the
kangaroo-scrotum coin purse:
“Forrest Gump”
When viewed with objective
lucidity,
This film is of doubtful
validity
Because it’s notorious
For saying it’s glorious
To live a life based on
stupidity. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
3. “Pride and Prejudice”
(1995)
Miss Elizabeth Bennet’s low
birth,
No connections and little net
worth,
Mom a twit, sis a skank —
It’s a stretch (let’s be
frank)
To suggest she could land
Colin Firth. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
4. “Psycho”
At the end, when the cops
finally come,
All the murder and gore
leaves them numb.
From the way Norman’s
dressed,
They can tell that he’s
stressed;
Does he talk? No, he’s just
keeping mum. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Po’witry: Honorable mentions
“Survivor”
Contestants from Nome to
Hoboken
Will vie for a totem or
token.
It may defy reason —
Its 20th season!
The upshot: The tripe has now
spoken. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
“Showgirls”
Though it won neither plaudits
nor gongs,
And for critics’ acclaim it
still longs,
Let those killjoys cry,
“Boo!”
I’m applauding the view
Of a few of my favorite
thongs. (Stephen Gold, Glasgow, Scotland)
“Titanic” (I)
We’ve got lovers whom death
cannot sever!
And a villain who’s scheming
and clever!
And a ship whose demise
Will bring tears to your
eyes!
Oh, a script? Okay, yeah,
sure, whatever. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
“The Crying Game”
A terrorist who fled the
scene is
Quite drawn to a bar-singing
Venus.
But the guy is dismayed
When he tries to get laid
And discovers the girl has a
[DELETED BECAUSE OF SPOILER]. (Marion Shore, Belmont, Mass., a First Offender)
“Moby-Dick”
There once was a man from
Nantucket
Whose whaling ship ran out of
luck; it
Took on the white whale
And in one epic fail,
Every sailor but one kicked
the bucket. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Caltech’s a big
deal on TV,
And its
physicist-nerds are the key.
“The Big Bang
Theory” speaks
In the language of
geeks:
PhD = BMOC. (Chris
Doyle)
“Guys and Dolls”
How go things in Noo Yawk?
Nicely-nicely.
Guys shoot craps; dolls
perform very spicily.
Ad loves Nate; Sarah, Sky.
Each ends up with her guy.
Is that cheesy? It’s
Broadway. Precisely! (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
“I Dream of Jeannie”
The love life of a brave
astronaut’ll
Be something a blond babe
who’s hot’ll
Enhance. She’ll entrance
If she wears harem pants,
Calls him “Master” and lives
in a bottle. (Chris O’Carroll, Pelham, Mass.)
“Keeping Up With the
Kardashians”
Do you know why the sisters
Kardashian
Have a show that they’re paid
to look trashy in?
The answer is sad:
The world has gone mad,
And talent has grown out of
fashi-on. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
“Gone With the Wind”
Well, the film goes its windy
old way,
And it ends with a lousy
cliche:
Should we laugh or feel
sorrow
To learn that “tomorrow
Is a-” (would you believe?)
“-nother day”? (Brian Allgar, Paris)
“Titanic” (II)
The Titanic, they said, was
unsinkable.
But there weren’t enough
lifeboats—unthinkable!
From that wreck came a flick
In the genre of
“chick”. . .
It’s too bad that it wasn’t
unstinkable. (Paul VerNooy, Hockessin, Del.)
“Charlotte’s Web”
In this timeless and
heartwarming story,
A pig learns his future looks
gory.
Through designs of her
makin’,
A bug saves his bacon—
But alas, she gets none of
the glory. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
“Two and a Half Men”
Charlie Sheen plays a drunk
who is past
His best years, and his
star’s fading fast.
As a middle-aged boozer
And skirt-chasing loser,
This actor was perfectly
cast. (Robert Schechter)
“Jersey Shore”
There once was a starlet
named Snooki
Who loved to play loose with
her nooki.
But what was she thinking
When bingeing on drinking
While baking her own little
cookie? (Colleen Murphy, Kensington, Conn., a First Offender)
“The Godfather”
It’s Mario Puzo
you’ll choose
For a novel that
won’t make you snooze.
His writing’s
unique —
Or in
godfather-speak,
He’s an author you
just can’t refuse. (Chris Doyle)
Now in hindsight it’s clear
that they really
Could have made a superior
“Gigli”
By replacing its actors
With aardvarks or tractors
While they did the whole
thing in Swahili. (Ken Kaufman, Derwood, Md.)
In “J. Edgar,” the story line
said
That the ruthlessly
bare-knuckled Fed
Looked for clues from both
G-men
And afternoon-tea-men,
Then pursued them wherever
they led. (Christopher Lamora, Guatemala City)
But the rest takes obsession
to sort ’er.
Are straightforward, all
right,
All the scenes black and
white
Has baffled this theater
supporter.
“Memento’s” unusual order.
(Stephen Gilberg, Washington)
“Flipper”
A knock-off of “Lassie” is
hell
When it’s under the water you
dwell.
Getting help is a bust
When you find that you must
Stay with Timmy inside of the
well. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
I picked up an old Gray’s
Anatomy,
So valued within the academy.
And there I discovered,
On each page, there hovered
A picture of each
this-and-that o’ me! (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
“The Great Gatsby”: My
students have barreled
Through the text. Though I
frequently herald
The writing and plot,
To each student, it’s naught
But the wreck of the F. Scott
Fitzgerald. (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)
“The Princess Bride”
Buttercup, Humperdinck’s
prize,
Thought Wesley had met his
demise.
He fought for her tresses
With R.O.U.S.es —
She never saw through his
disguise?!? (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
“Sweeney Todd”
A deranged Fleet Street
barber, so nasty,
Slashed the throats of his
clients so fast he
Supplied Mrs. Lovett
With morsels she’d covet
To spice up each victim-filled
pasty. (Phyllis Reinhard, East Fallowfield, Pa.)
“Groundhog Day”
A man in an unredeemed state
Whose clock never changes its
date
Lays on charm with a trowel
And wins Andie McDowell,
Which suggests that it’s
never too late. (Jerome Betts, Torquay, England, a First Offender)
“In the Line of Fire”
With a nut out there trying
to shoot a
Sitting president, none would
dispute a
Secret Service man’s task
Is protection; don’t ask
If he nailed some Colombian
puta. (Brendan Beary)
“Waiting for Godot”
I’m so bored I could slash
both my wrists,
Yet this infinite waiting
persists.
At the second act’s curtain
We’re still far from certain
This Godot dude even exists.
(Andrew Burnet, Edinburgh, Scotland)
“An Andalusian Dog”
“Un Chien Andalou” wins the
prize
For cutting the smug down to
size.
Just say, “Hello, Dali!”
To this Buñuel folly.
(But don’t forget — cover
your eyes!) (Miles Moore, Alexandria, Va.)
And Last:
Compilations of New York Magazine Competition entries
New York Mag has its “Giant
Sea Tortoise”;
Why don’t we have a book to
record us?
We’ll just print what’s
refined,
Cut the
scat--. . . Never mind.
Nothing left. Best the public
ignored us. (Nan Reiner)
Next week’s results: Going Mything, or Crocktales